Mediocre...

...is defined as " of moderate or low quality, value, ability, or performance."

So perhaps my feeling mediocre is inaccurate based off that definition. What I most likely am is inconsistent. I have ups and downs without having any answer as to what causes the "up" or what causes the "down." Which, of course, is somewhat normal in the beginning...but I feel that I should be seeing some progress in that area.

I feel a constant frustration towards my performance, whether it's just during a lesson or during a tournament. Fencing doesn't come easy for me. I'm not athletic, strong, or even remotely "in shape." There are moments when I wonder if I have reached the highest level I ever will. I know certain people wonder why I spend so much time and money on this when it's not something at which I'm very good. My past M.O. has been to cut and run whenever I fail to succeed at something right away, to move on and find something "easy." What may appear to be success to some people, is usually me just getting by. Because of that, I have created this persona of someone who has it all together, who accepts nothing but perfection from herself and therefore projects her unreasonably high standard for herself onto others. Fencing is more than a hobby, sport, or workout for me. It's my way of changing who I've been; it's a challenge to myself. I'm not going to walk away from this because I'm not perfect the first, second, or even third time around. This isn't just about fighting to become a good fencer, it's a fight to change my perceptions about what defines the kind of person I am.